well, i don't feel just like a child...

for the first time since...ever....i wish i was a kid again. of course, in most peeps' eyes, in the government's eyes, and in my own eyes as well, i'm still a kid. just a slightly-older-than-a-little-kid kid. anyway, the point is, i wish i didn't care what people thought, or if anything i did was good or not. 

when i was in 1st, 2nd, 3rd grade, i would write stories. i must have wrote about 30 stories in the span of those years, probably more. i would just be inspired, or i had a story in my head, maybe from a dream or a cartoon, and i would write it. i've since read those stories, and they do sound like the work of a 7 or 8 year old, but they aren't bad...and they aren't bad solely for the fact that one, i wasn't ashamed of them, and two, i didn't care if they were good, or if the genius in my class would be impressed by them or not (or if anyone would be impressed by them). i simply wrote, and the only thing that mattered was that i thought they were good. and i did. i thoroughly enjoyed writing them, and while my older brother would write better, more complicated things, i didn't care. what i wrote was what i wrote; it was good enough for me and it didn't matter. 

i want to be like that again. i know that's just children for you; they don't care if they look stupid or act stupid, they just do it. they look at things simply. obviously i'm glad i can think complex thoughts, and do many other things that children would find difficult. but if i wasn't worried whatever i created-whether it be music or art or writing-came out better than someone else's creation, or if it was any good or not, i could actually create things. i've prevented myself from creating anything  because i'm so worried someone won't like it, no one will be impressed by it. if it was as simple as that, it would be fine (if i liked my creation, but no one else did, that would be okay)...but i keep telling myself "oh, it's not good enough. no one will like it. you don't even like it." so i don't like it. i force myself never to be happy with what i make. then, when i finally do create something and show it to someone and that someone doesn't like it (because there will always be those people), it saddens me even more. and i'm discouraged, so i don't do anything for a while. for example, i haven't tried writing lyrics (which i'm def no good at) in at least 3 months. 

anyway, i wish it was as simple as telling myself not to care what people think, and to be proud of what i do. it's not as simple as that, though, and it never will be. it's really hard for me to get good thoughts into my head. especially without anyone's help. 

sorry for the emo-ness of this post. i'll make it better by telling you that

1. it's an ice day today (no not snow days, we don't get that here...we only get ice), so i've been home...slacking...all day. i've still got tons o' homework to do for tomorrow. eh.

2. i've got so many books to read right now.. here they are:

a beautiful alice in wonderland that sof gave me for christmas (thanks)

the rest of the english patient, also given to me for a christmas present (i didn't show the front cover 'cos it's ugly hehe)

on loan from sof, it's kind of a funny story. i'm really excited to read this one.

so yeh. i've got some reading and math and medieval history of greece studying to do! woop woop!

AND ANOTHER ONE

obviously i am beginning to be quite popular and everyone looks up to me and admires my run-on sentence skills (intense sarcasm), because i have been graciously tagged again, this time by sophie.


the fourth picture in the fourth folder where i keep my pictures on my computer (whew. fortunately, i didn't pick the fourth picture from the fourth folder in my last tag, otherwise it would have been my brother and i standing outside a greek academy again [see last post]):

i drag a  lot of inspiration into my iphoto, and inspiration is what this picture is. from the one and only sartorialist, a picture he took in florence. i just love it because it looks noir and it's just really beautiful all around.

in another news....

the weather has been so weird lately. it'll be 70 one day, 80 the next, and then 40 the next day. i don't get it. and it confuses my body warmth haha. i'll walk outside and it'll be freezing, even though i know by noon it will be hot. so i'm cold then hot then cold then hot then cold again.

also, we went to the matthew and the arrogant sea show last night. except we didn't stay long enough to actually see matthew and the arrogant sea. haha. i'm not ready to stay up till 2 while everyone around me is getting drunker/more stoned by the minute. anyway, the first band was great, which made up for the fact that we couldn't see the rest.

i just realized that i'm awful at making lists. i can't remember aaanything. ah, god, i'm blind, deaf, and  ADD. 

sorry for the lack of nice posting lately. i've been in a.....weird...mood. i'll get back to normal soon, i promise. at least after the devotchka concert two weeks from now. I AM SO EXCITED.

ze tag

so. i was tagged by ginny to do a survey. which is perfect, because i am quite tired and i don't feel like doing anything that i should be doing (i.e., getting ready for my show tonight, helping my mother get ready for a baby shower she's hosting, sleeping). so here we go, i decided to do all of them (see the above statement):

cinco cosas sobre mí:

-i love interior design, but i don't know if i'd ever want to go into it (me mum's an interior designer). having a pretty room and decorating it is fine with me.

-i am absolutely in love with zach condon.

-i dream of living in brooklyn (or anywhere in nyc), or san francisco.

-i play piano, drums, and accordion. though i'm not that great at accordion haha. and i cannot play guitar. seriously. i'm so awful at it.

-i have the same birthday as vincent van gogh.

fourth picture in my photo folder (iphoto for me):

this is me and my bro in athens, greece, last summer. the building behind us is some academy or something. it was hot. like, 40 degrees celsius.

six things that make me happy:

-jews. this has already been explained.

-pretty calendars. every year, i pick out a new calendar. i have an old new york one right now and it's lovely.

-my cork board of inspiration, memories, and ticket stubs.

-petits fours and cupcakes.. mmmm. i love love love them. 'nuff said.

-really great songs. (nantes, talk show host, unattainable, for example)

-well-dressed old ladies and men.

10 honest things about myself (who needs myspace surveys when you can get tagged, huh!):

-i am constantly worrying about studying so i can get good grades so i can get into a good university so i can live in a beautiful city.

-there will be no belonging more beautiful to me than my 12" baby grand piano. it's 100 years old and even though it's perpetually out of tune, it always sounds great.

-i probs will only ever buy mac computers. i can't work pc's....and i'm biased.

-i hardly eat breakfast. i know i know, it's the most important meal of the day and all, but coffee fills me up and i CANNOT stop drinking it.

-i'm tired all the time. of course, this is credited to my lovely hypothyroidism, but yep, that's just another thing about me.

-i have an insane amount of money. this is because i don't ever spend it. i have a debit card but never take money out and i only spend it on the occasional piece of clothing or record and a chai tea latte.

-i have bad posture.

-i only have 2 pairs of pants.

-i'm not fond of mainstream music. this IS NOT because i think whatever most people listen to is automatically bad, but because there aren't many good mainstream bands that i know of. if there comes along a band that sounds amazing and yet everyone loves them, i will still like them. it has nothing to do with "selling out" (which i think is stupid) or that stereotyped hipster trait.

-i am so lazy when it comes to making my bed.

alrighty. i tag brooke, and...anyone who happens to view this post and wants to make a pointless survey. i can't think of anyone who would actually enjoy wasting their time like this haha.

wowza, is this actually getting somewhere?

i added that lil gadget that enables peeps to publicly follow this blog. juuust in case anyone wants to, hint hint. 

anyways, thank you so much for commenting! you are lovely.

since this post is being published on a whim and is also pretty pointless, i'll excite you with the cover of beirut's upcoming double EP marhc of the zapotec/holland:

hooray! i'm so excited for this. you have no idea. ahhhh. i love love the joys of losing weight, so hearing holland will be super wonderful, and march of the zapotec OBVIOUSLY is going to be EPIC. you know those things that just want to make you shout "hallelujah"? well. this is one of those things.

also, i don't remember where i found this, but it makes me want snow really badly:

here in dallas, we only get about 2 snows a year, if that. this year we've already gotten two (or three? i canst remember), buuut i want a real snow. not like that ever happens here. whenever it gets cold enough to snow for a while, it ices. arg.

and enjoy this photo of me holding my cat who really doesn't want to be held (she is so whiny yet sweet):

also, after watching control, i'm listening to joy division a whooooole lot. hmm, i've finally jumped on the joy division fan bandwagon.

ah, so another random post. sorry. i'll get to something more important sooner or later.

thinking thinking thinking thinking thinking

i've been pondering a few things lately, and decided to share them with you (even though there are only like, two?? of you. psh):

first, my guilty pleasures-these include m.i.a.*

real hardcore penny loafers

and, lastly, fashion blogs.

yep. either you love 'em or you hate 'em. i, for one, love them. but i'm a teensy bit ashamed of my love for fashion blogs. i mean, i love love music. it's my life. but i also adore fashion. i may not think it's serious thing that isn't in any way superficial or anything, but i do love getting dressed in the morning. think fashion can be an art form. and i definitely think it's superficial, but when i put on clothes that make me feel good, or are crazy and make me feel different, i feel great. so does everyone, i think. think about it-you have your favorite shirt, pants, outfit, whatever. why is it your favorite? i would dare to say that most people would say it's their favorite because they think they look great in it, it's comfy (or not so much, if they're heels), and you feel confident while wearing it. that's why i love fashion. i have low self-esteem, and the one activity that makes me feel better (most of the time) about myself (besides running haha) is coming up with some ridiculous, cool outfit that no one else has worn before. kids at most high schools wear sweat pants and t shirts to school-boring and nonchalant. so when i come to school in a dress and a tutu and bright yellow shoes and tights, i feel awesome. people compliment me (or just look at me strangely) and i feel proud of myself for wearing something so different. anyway, fashion blogs just give me the inspiration when i'm feeling down, they make me feel more normal (because i realize there are girls out there just like me). there are billions of fashion blogs out in the blogosphere and i am super picky about the ones that i follow (more on that later haha). they have to get me interested. there are stereotypical fashion blogs, the ones that consist of girls who are obsessed with themselves and don't appreciate fashion really, they just like looking slutty and talking about themselves. but then there are ones that consist of real people, people whom i admire, for their taste and personalities and confidence. people who are beautiful inside and out. frankly, i get bored with being a music fan all the time. i need another hobby. and whether you think it's cool or not, fashion is my other hobby. so there! 

okay, so that brings me to my next point of this post: the ultimate fashion challenge. i learned just yesterday of this blog called nogoodforme.com which i am still confused about and there are tons of words in the posts but ANYWAY. i learned that one of the contributers to the blog recently took part in a certain ultimate fashion challenge which meant wearing every single piece of clothing in her closet (excluding some things) and wearing them only once. i found this immensely interesting and i'm always up to a challenge (almost always), as well as the fact that i do wear certain clothes way too much. it would be super hard, and i would feel really self-conscious and it would take a long time aaand i might have to wait until i obtain my wishlist. hahah. buuut i'm still willing to try it. so we'll see where that goes. hmmmmm.

this is what i do when i get a comment on one of my posts:

"YES!!!!" also, note my perfectly clean room heehee.

so comment. plz. makes me happyyy when skies are graay.

mm also, two other embarrassing loves of mine:

jews (which literally everyone knows about. even my lit teacher ahhahah)

a pissed off jew cat!

an amstell jew!

a hasidic jew!

i love jews so much they are all so cute. heehee! not that i'm embarrassed that i like them, i really love all races, it just so happens that i think jews are really cute and the old men jews are bitter but that just makes them cuter..um anyway, it's a weird affinity. and a lot of people just think i'm super weird for loving jews. but i don't think it's weird. 

and being supah white. i think i've already mentioned this in a post before, but it's crazy how many of those posts i can relate to hahaha. :| that is kiiind of embarrassing, ya know?

soo anyway, i LOVE YOU SO MUCH if you actually read this entire thing. i bet you didn't! hehe, it's alright, though. i don't care so much. stuff happens (and doesn't happen). 

p.s. i think i got the first picture from miz knight cat. the rest was from google yay!!

*i wasn't gonna explain my other guilty pleasures, but my reason for feeling guilty about liking mia is that she's such a stereotypical hipster thing to like, but i can't help it-even if she sampled straight to hell. my reason for feeling guilty about liking penny loafers is because, well, they are clunky old lady shoes/uniform and private school shoes, that most peeps would take one look at and vow never to step into one. but hey, after they get worn-in and dirty, they are quite the alternative to dirty converse. 

hangovers suck

 
ah so we played a show last night and i was super energetic (i know, right? craziness.) so it was fun even though apparently the sound was off (i wouldn't know, my monitor sounded fine to me). and then c shift played so since it was hunter's last time playing for them i decided to be nice and dance till i dropped (which i eventually did) with alex, so i danced so long and so much that it was like running a mile (equally exhilarating, at least). so now i'm sore and tired. and i didn't find anything at all at buffalo exchange today and it was really busy and i hate when the preps that go in there because they think it's a costume shop talk loudly and super annoyingly. sooo now i'm just feeling like this:

meh. 

i'm listening to sonic youth's daydream nation. i dunno...everybody hypes them up so much and then doesn't and then i'm like, "eh, if i listened to them in the late 80s early 90s, i probs would like them." and i was born in the early 90s soooo i was watching scooby doo and crying and being me and my little precious kid self. so yeah, i'm not too hot about sonic youth. bahhh.

i do love, however, the movie control. i finally watched it thursday night and wowowowowow it's amazing. the fact that it's shot in b&w makes it cool, as well as the fact that the kid who played ian looks exactly like ian did (a bit prettier, maybe). sooo it made me want to listen to joy division, and i'm doing so right now. woo.

eh, pointless post. i just felt like doing something other than staring off into space listening to the national...

p.s. the coolness of the first picture is the work of this kid who lives in oklahoma i think....how boring...