Monday, 26 January 2009

well, i don't feel just like a child...

for the first time since...ever....i wish i was a kid again. of course, in most peeps' eyes, in the government's eyes, and in my own eyes as well, i'm still a kid. just a slightly-older-than-a-little-kid kid. anyway, the point is, i wish i didn't care what people thought, or if anything i did was good or not. 

when i was in 1st, 2nd, 3rd grade, i would write stories. i must have wrote about 30 stories in the span of those years, probably more. i would just be inspired, or i had a story in my head, maybe from a dream or a cartoon, and i would write it. i've since read those stories, and they do sound like the work of a 7 or 8 year old, but they aren't bad...and they aren't bad solely for the fact that one, i wasn't ashamed of them, and two, i didn't care if they were good, or if the genius in my class would be impressed by them or not (or if anyone would be impressed by them). i simply wrote, and the only thing that mattered was that i thought they were good. and i did. i thoroughly enjoyed writing them, and while my older brother would write better, more complicated things, i didn't care. what i wrote was what i wrote; it was good enough for me and it didn't matter. 

i want to be like that again. i know that's just children for you; they don't care if they look stupid or act stupid, they just do it. they look at things simply. obviously i'm glad i can think complex thoughts, and do many other things that children would find difficult. but if i wasn't worried whatever i created-whether it be music or art or writing-came out better than someone else's creation, or if it was any good or not, i could actually create things. i've prevented myself from creating anything  because i'm so worried someone won't like it, no one will be impressed by it. if it was as simple as that, it would be fine (if i liked my creation, but no one else did, that would be okay)...but i keep telling myself "oh, it's not good enough. no one will like it. you don't even like it." so i don't like it. i force myself never to be happy with what i make. then, when i finally do create something and show it to someone and that someone doesn't like it (because there will always be those people), it saddens me even more. and i'm discouraged, so i don't do anything for a while. for example, i haven't tried writing lyrics (which i'm def no good at) in at least 3 months. 

anyway, i wish it was as simple as telling myself not to care what people think, and to be proud of what i do. it's not as simple as that, though, and it never will be. it's really hard for me to get good thoughts into my head. especially without anyone's help. 

sorry for the emo-ness of this post. i'll make it better by telling you that
1. it's an ice day today (no not snow days, we don't get that here...we only get ice), so i've been home...slacking...all day. i've still got tons o' homework to do for tomorrow. eh.
2. i've got so many books to read right now.. here they are:

a beautiful alice in wonderland that sof gave me for christmas (thanks)

the rest of the english patient, also given to me for a christmas present (i didn't show the front cover 'cos it's ugly hehe)

on loan from sof, it's kind of a funny story. i'm really excited to read this one.

so yeh. i've got some reading and math and medieval history of greece studying to do! woop woop!


Hail To The Thief said...

I feel like that a lot. I miss how care-free you could be when you were really young, like 6 or 7, but even when I'm doing things regardless of what other people think, I still notice it in other people.

I love Alice In Wonderland, I think it's the perfect fantasy story. I haven't read the other two, though I'll look them up.

arienette said...

it's kind of a funny story is great. i'm so glad i'm not the only one not FREAKING OUT about the future. in response to your comment my cat is incredibly vain..

brooke said...

lol, an ice day. how cute.

I miss being young, and actually not having that constant concern about what people think. I know I had this in kindergarten, and i know it all went downhill from there.

How old are you?? what is considered an adult over there? I'm 18 and here (aus) am totally considered an adult. We still celebrate 21sts as like, a right of passage, have a party, etc, but you gain no extra rights at 21. It all comes at 18. It's interesting to see the different laws in different places and how they actually affect people. Hmm.

Good post, and dont worry about the "emo-ness", everyone has those moments :)

<3 brooke

Mary said...

(sneaks off to find season one of Wonderwall... it sounds epic.)

I understand your reminiscing and wanting the past, and don't blame you at all. Try reading the short story How to be an Author by Lorrie Moore... It's bitter and hilarious and I think you'd love ot.

breezy said...

i loveeddd its kind of a funny story. straight up one of my favourite books ever. said...

I have a huge family and so I have more kids around than I know how to deal with...but it's always so great to see them excel, and not because they want to be the best or brightest but just because they enjoy learning. It would be nice to feel that kind of happiness without the doubts always lingering in the mind. =p

ginny said...

i would kill to be a kid again? why? i would get free lollipops from the bank when my mum went. i mean, that's not the only reason, but still...

hahha, that's awesome that we have close birthdays! :D

hannah said...

i will have to take a look at some of those books!

OhDearLeah said...

great blog!

do you stidy classics? i'm doing greek history at the minute like Odysseus , Agamemnon and everything :)

Anonymous said...

love this