for the first time since...ever....i wish i was a kid again. of course, in most peeps' eyes, in the government's eyes, and in my own eyes as well, i'm still a kid. just a slightly-older-than-a-little-kid kid. anyway, the point is, i wish i didn't care what people thought, or if anything i did was good or not.
when i was in 1st, 2nd, 3rd grade, i would write stories. i must have wrote about 30 stories in the span of those years, probably more. i would just be inspired, or i had a story in my head, maybe from a dream or a cartoon, and i would write it. i've since read those stories, and they do sound like the work of a 7 or 8 year old, but they aren't bad...and they aren't bad solely for the fact that one, i wasn't ashamed of them, and two, i didn't care if they were good, or if the genius in my class would be impressed by them or not (or if anyone would be impressed by them). i simply wrote, and the only thing that mattered was that i thought they were good. and i did. i thoroughly enjoyed writing them, and while my older brother would write better, more complicated things, i didn't care. what i wrote was what i wrote; it was good enough for me and it didn't matter.
i want to be like that again. i know that's just children for you; they don't care if they look stupid or act stupid, they just do it. they look at things simply. obviously i'm glad i can think complex thoughts, and do many other things that children would find difficult. but if i wasn't worried whatever i created-whether it be music or art or writing-came out better than someone else's creation, or if it was any good or not, i could actually create things. i've prevented myself from creating anything because i'm so worried someone won't like it, no one will be impressed by it. if it was as simple as that, it would be fine (if i liked my creation, but no one else did, that would be okay)...but i keep telling myself "oh, it's not good enough. no one will like it. you don't even like it." so i don't like it. i force myself never to be happy with what i make. then, when i finally do create something and show it to someone and that someone doesn't like it (because there will always be those people), it saddens me even more. and i'm discouraged, so i don't do anything for a while. for example, i haven't tried writing lyrics (which i'm def no good at) in at least 3 months.
anyway, i wish it was as simple as telling myself not to care what people think, and to be proud of what i do. it's not as simple as that, though, and it never will be. it's really hard for me to get good thoughts into my head. especially without anyone's help.
sorry for the emo-ness of this post. i'll make it better by telling you that
1. it's an ice day today (no not snow days, we don't get that here...we only get ice), so i've been home...slacking...all day. i've still got tons o' homework to do for tomorrow. eh.
2. i've got so many books to read right now.. here they are:
a beautiful alice in wonderland that sof gave me for christmas (thanks)
the rest of the english patient, also given to me for a christmas present (i didn't show the front cover 'cos it's ugly hehe)
on loan from sof, it's kind of a funny story. i'm really excited to read this one.
so yeh. i've got some reading and math and medieval history of greece studying to do! woop woop!